What's Possible: Breaking Free from People-Pleasing and Showing up with Confident Authenticity with Sneha
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Episode #124: What's Possible: Breaking Free from People-Pleasing and Showing up with Confident Authenticity with Sneha
About the Episode:
Have you ever seen someone's success and your brain immediately tried to make excuses as to why they were able to do that but those results are not possible for you? If so, I totally get you. This thought-trap is so common, I do it too, and it's getting in the way of you creating the changes you want to make in your life.
The changes you want to make are possible for you right now, no matter the circumstances.
This week on the podcast, we're continuing the "What's Possible" series, interviews with my students. I'm bringing you real stories from real people who made sustained changes they didn't even realize was possible for them.
This series celebrates their successes, teaches you key insights, and serves as inspiration and an example of what's also possible for you.
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Full Episode Transcript:
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124. What's Possible: Breaking Free from People-Pleasing and Showing up with Confident Authenticity with Sneha
Welcome to the Empowered brain, the only podcast using science, psychology and coaching to help you rewire your brain and create a life you love with your host, Dr. Vanessa Calderon, a Harvard grad physician, master coach, and mother of two.
Hello, sweet friends. Welcome back. I have got the second episode in the What's Possible series here for you today. I can't wait for you to listen. And before we dive into a few things to remind you, number one, numero uno, that if you like what you're listening to, on this podcast, it would make a big difference. It would really help me out if you rate it the podcast. And you left a review. If you're listening to it on a platform where you can leave a review, especially iTunes, it makes a really big difference and it helps other people find us. And remember that if there's something that you want me to cover that you haven't heard yet on the podcast, I would love to help cover that for you. So just send me a DM @VanessaCalderonMD on on my Instagram handle again @VanessaCalderonMD? Send me a DM there. Let me know what you want me to cover and what topics you want included, and I will make sure to cover that for you. And if it is something that I've already covered, I will point you to that podcast episode. Alright, we're friends. Enjoy this episode. So I'd love to start by just you know, letting everyone who's listening get to know a little bit about you. Do you mind just sharing a little bit about yourself?
Absolutely, it's my pleasure to even have the opportunity to do this call with you. My name is Neha Srinivasan. I'm an electrical engineer in the rail and transit industry. I have been working with Vanessa for a little over a year now. It's and honestly it's been a it's been a great and wonderful experience. I cannot tell you how much this program has helped me so much. Yeah, so this has helped me in every asset, every facet of my life. I am so excited to share my experience with everyone.
That's awesome. Can you tell us why you were interested in coaching? Like what was the initial issue that got you interested in the program if it's helpful, you can take us back to your life before or just what what got you interested
growing up. I was a people pleaser. To know that I think many people will relate but that term people pleaser I grew up in the Middle East away from extended family, just getting through school and not having as many friends. So I ended up believing that cheating myself was the best way I could be a people pleaser. Then I moved to Canada with my family. And here it was a very different environment. I had to find myself a lot more. And that became really hard to do, with the base people pleaser that had already been established in me. So, I did definitely grow as a person but I was I was growing with the people-pleaser aspect of me. That was erasing who I am. Until I had arrived at a point in my life where I had to decide that I needed to settle down and start a family with someone. When that aspect came up in my life, I was very influenced by my parents, whom I love very much, and they want the best for me. But when we stopped aligning something in me, there was some voice in me that was just trying to come out and say, this is not working. And I'm very, very sad. I'm very hurt. Very I don't I just don't know what to do. So I tried I would still like people pleaser tendency, wanted my parents to be very happy. But inside I was just getting very sad. And there was this rift that was being created between the two personalities. So much so that I started to step away from the life that I had built, which were my friendships, I was not performing as well as I could at work. I was because this was just such a huge part of my mental space and Eventually, one of my friends told me that I don't like seeing the light that we had seen in the eyes are starting to them.
And I don't know if I can, I don't know if I can be friends with you until you can help yourself. So that allowed me some time to take a hard look into myself, I tried therapy, I tried reading a lot of books, a lot of self-help books daring greatly. By Brene, Brown was one of the turning books in my journey, but they didn't give me as much hands-on help as I needed, I really needed to do the work to help myself, get out of it. And then I came across, I believe, a Facebook ad for your program. And I thought, okay, you know, it's a free webinar, I'm gonna just see, what's, what options I have out there. When I did, I was so happy I attended, because everything you were saying resonated with how I would have wanted to live my life. Because I'm a people pleaser, I believe in being extremely polite. But it was always, it was always wrapped up with apologies for being myself. And I wanted to let go of that. And he had a very loving approach to how to do that. And I've wanted to learn how I could incorporate that into my life. So that's why, as soon as I had the opportunity to sign up, I decided this was necessary for me to make the investment, this is the investment I needed for my life, and it has paid off tremendously.
That's really, really beautiful. And thank you so much for sharing, I've witnessed your growth in the last geez, months, almost a year, over a year, I think you started over a year ago. And I've witnessed your growth tremendously. And I am, you know, not that you need me to be proud of you. But I am just incredibly proud of how you have transformed. And it's just so interesting, because, you know, I don't this program is it's not like we say, Hey, we're gonna help you fix your people-pleasing tendencies. But when you come in, and you learn everything else, and you start to notice, oh, man, I just needed to have a little bit more courage when I had this conversation. Or I needed to know how it felt to like, what is people pleasing, feel like to me, as opposed to just like, be nice or being kind, you know, and like learning those tools. What you said is so interesting, too, because I don't think we often realize how one little problem seeps into all of these areas of our lives. It was affecting your life, when you had this roof with your family started affecting how you were showing up with your friendships. And I'm sure it had an effect on how you were showing up at work, you know. And then when you start to transform in one area of your life, oh, look, all these other areas of your life are also becoming better.
That was absolutely the case. If anything, when I could face the issue for what it was, which is another thing that I wasn't able to do, I thought if I faced the issue, then I was offending someone else in the process. And, and the word courage really resonated with me, it's, it's, it was something that I was unable to step into because I would, you know, I would give it all the excuses, I need it. I would say, that if I did something like this, I would offend my parents, I would really hurt their feelings. If I spoke my truth, I would sound like I was better than everyone else. And how could I be that when you know that part of me was rejected when I was younger? I was rejected as a person when I was younger. So that sort of kind of fell into my adult years, where I just didn't know how to take that courageous step and face what I wanted to face and stand in my own person as I did. And when I did start to do that, I cannot really put into words how liberating that felt. Because I know all of the negative emotions, the pain, the guilt, shame, all of them. I could just see them and then I started to remove that negative label. I started to say, there it is, of course. Of course, it's here. It's here to protect me. It's yours for a reason. And I could, I could acknowledge it. And when I did it, these feelings, and emotions would sort of slip away and take a backseat. So I can actually deal, with what I have to deal with. I had room to deal with it with objectivity rather than my emotions.
that's incredible. You mentioned that you had tried things in the past reading inbox and therapy and other things. And what I think is so interesting is, a lot of people try all of these things on their own, because I think maybe people have this thought that they should be able to deal with this on their own. You know, like, I should be able to just fix this problem, like I fix everything in my life. And especially I think, a lot of the women that are attracted to the attorney that really smart and really ambitious, that high achieving, you know, so they should have been able to deal with this. And so I'm curious, you know, what, for you was like the big difference once you started the program, and started seeing results, like how come you started seeing results inside the program, but you didn't have those results with therapy or with books?
This is a very interesting question because I've had discussions on this with another close with a close friend who told me my light was dimming. She also has had a traumatic experience in her life, and she is going through the therapy route herself. We were talking about this might deviate from the question, but I, promise, I'll come back to it. We were talking about how it's our circumstances, forced us to take a hard look at who we are. And how that was unfair. Initially, how that was unfair that we had to go through this, this painfully eye-opening journey. Because it is, sometimes the pain isn't necessarily our fault. It's it, it's introduced by our circumstances is introduced by people's events. We don't have control over it. And then we really talked about how that journey, taking that journey, knowing that we don't have the tools for it was also a very eye-opening moment. It doesn't mean that we weren't enough, it's just that we didn't know what tools were available to us.
We just didn't look into that. That tightly sealed closet, why would we ever need to use them? When we should be enough, right? We should be enough as we are. But not the world isn't always going to be a reflection, of what our aspirations are, or our will is going to be a reflection of what that's sometimes our pain is, like, what our struggles are, and we need to just figure out, okay, how can we stay consistent in our own person. And it helps when, when there is a community that we can share that when where we can voice our, our stories with you, you've built that community, I found that among all these pet cuddly, smart, advanced that some of the women in this group, I was just shocked at the growth in their careers and where they are in their lives. And then they would share their problems. And I go, I felt that me who isn't anywhere near their level of career accomplishment. I can relate when when we can share that. I feel like we were able to build a sense of camaraderie. And then you would bring in that acknowledgment that hey, this is this is a very normal thing.
You of course will experience this it is a very valid emotion. And here is how we can allow it to be and how you can move forward with it. It's an I don't like I have never felt like I was ever been like no, I'm going to just erase this part of myself and just going to completely recreate a new version of meat. No, it was just I felt like I was Becoming a more accurate version of myself. And that, that's the journey, honestly, that is really the heart of this program. It's just getting to the best version of you and finding her every single day getting in there. And getting better and better as you go. So I, I, I needed, I'll take any, anything that can get me there. And I think sometimes it's okay to, be humble in that in that journey and say, Hey, I've tried, and I've done my best. And I got this far. I want to go farther. How can I? How can I do that? So if you find something that answers that question, go for it.
Beautiful. It's so beautiful what you said, and I think you said it so well, I think I 100% agree with you about the journey like this entire program, there's so much that we do. But ultimately, what we're doing is helping you become the most authentic version of yourself. That is what makes you the most effective, you know, I absolutely teach you how to be the most effective, how to get more done, how to not get slowed down by like, stop that, like BS that slows you down. How to use your mind and your emotions in a way that's most productive. And ultimately, what are we doing, we're teaching you how to become the most authentic version of yourself, how to be that person every day, and how to continue to expand and grow, and just made me so emotional that you said I am. And I agree with you.
I think for a lot of people, you might not even know what help is available to you or what coaching can do. I know for me, I didn't even know what coaching was, before I started my journey. I didn't even know I had a problem. I didn't know I needed help. I just remember when I was introduced to coaching. So the reason why I first started doing it is because I saw it my sister had gone through a coaching program, and she had this transformational change. And I was like, Huh, what happened to her? How did that happen, and she's still sustaining the change? And so I got curious, and, you know, like, for me, it totally transformed my life, which is why I totally made this big career change to create this because I know my mission in life is to help women exactly like you.
And a lot of the people that are listening, you know, these really smart women to heal from generational trauma and internalized oppression, like sexism, and racism, and all of those things, and help you become the most authentic you because the more you can become the most authentic you, the better you will be, the more effective you will be. I was so beautiful. And thank you for sharing that. One of the things you touched on too, was the coaching group coaching. Because I agree with you, I think the community is just, ah, it's amazing, this group of women, but a lot of people hear about group coaching, and maybe they get a little concerned about, you know, sharing in a group because it can be scary to be vulnerable. Were you concerned at all about that, and what helped you if you weren't concerned sort of get over that?
100% I was, I was not initially comfortable with sharing my story. And, that definitely stems from all the shame I was having around my story, I did not look at myself and say, she deserves to be seen. No. I was like, I gotta hide her. Like, I'm gonna I'm gonna cover her up and any costume that the world needs to feed so she can stay hidden and protected. And that's, that's very, that's very valid. emotion because, well, you know, we experienced these troubles in our lives that, that make us judge ourselves too, because we've been so conditioned to judge ourselves to keep ourselves in check. Oh, are you talking to this guy? Okay, so make sure you aren't sending putting up mixed signals? Or are you? Are you using a curse word? Oh my god, that is not li like any programming. And this is just an example. But there are other versions of programming that have been introduced to us that we may not have fully incorporated in us. And when we don't correct that I feel I've corrected that with a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of a lot of like very strict methods of correction.
If I had to, if I had to share that, I don't know, the world will think I'm ugly, the world will think, oh my god, she really is a bit. I apologize. inappropriate. But that's, that's kind of why I wanted to say that if you first Oh, that's not lady like, like that, that's the programming that I tried to break with. Even bringing that word into play. But that doesn't mean that you know that it is, now I'm authentic. Just because I have used the bad word, it still is, it still doesn't address the heart of the issue. And when I went into the first coaching session, I thought, I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna listen to people's stories, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna be, I would think I was lucky, it was just maybe two people in that initial call. And people are busy, you know, you can bank on that sometime. But you can also bank on seasoned folks coming back, and as and working through, their struggles. So perhaps, we can employ, my tactic of just sitting in and listening. And then if you feel like you want to contribute, I believe it is by choice that you can contribute.
I don't believe anyone forces anyone into sharing their story. However, I've found that when there is space given for their stories to be shared, into the valve is open, the tank is open. And what comes out is just the most relatable, the most. And everyone's reactions when they share these relatable means traumas and struggles. It's this received with so much kindness because we're all sitting in it with the person sharing. And that, that just, it always warms me, it always warms my heart. And then you come in with, with your kind, kind demeanor, that's what it is. It's just the kindness of how you receive the stories, and how you give it space. And then, and then you open us up to challenges. You know, you challenge us in this beautifully receptive way, it's a way that I feel like I'd want to be challenged, it's like, it's okay. Of course, you're going to experience this, it is all normal. You don't have to, you don't need to, you know, shut it down. You can you can experience this. But what do you think you can do? If, if you had a different way of approaching it, what do you think you would approach this? If this emotion wasn't taking control? How would you do this, it allows each and every one of us to look back in our lives, and see how we can approach it in that suggested method. So it's, it's shared, everyone is gaining value. And when everyone is receiving value, everyone's going together. And everyone is making a difference together. So I don't know that I just, I feel like we just bring out the best in each other. And when we do we go out into our spaces and are in the world and we make our mark, in the most authentic way possible. So it's a win-win for me.
It sounds amazing, saying, Yeah, that sounds awesome. I really do. You know, I sort of consider the group coaching or even the community just a really sacred space, because I, you know, I think when I created it, what I was thinking and feeling is what, what kind of community can we create, to create the safest place for women to come to heal, to transform and to grow? And I think it's just such a beautiful space. There's so much safety, there's so much vulnerability, there's so much compassion, everyone holds space for everyone. And these are like, you know, snail, by the way, just like you you're like this incredibly ambitious electrical engineer continuing to excel in her career. And just like that, we physicians and lawyers and CEOs, you know. And it's these like, just to know that it sees like really high powered, incredible women really smart coming together. And also being compassionate and also being vulnerable and also holding space. I think that's the power of the community, right? And I think for me, what I've learned is healing, healing happens in community, you know, the teaching, like all the modules that you learn, and all of that kind of stuff, that stuff you can do on your own. And you have access to all of that inside the program, but the actual healing and the transformation that happens in the community when we all come together, and I just think it's so beautiful. I remember, one time, we were doing takeaways at the end of one of the calls, and I said, you know, what are your biggest takeaways? And I asked you, and you said, wow, my biggest takeaway is how relatable everything is and how we are all so different. But we have the same journey. Do you remember that?
Yes, every time. It's a beautiful realization for me every single time because I think I always used to think I'm alone in this. Oh, it's just me, no one else could have possibly experienced what I have experienced. And I just, love how much that illusion shadowed me when I heard these women. These high achieving super smart, focused, just amazing women, they come back and they say, this is how I'm struggling. Oh, how humbling how humbling. I was, I was like, this is this is what I want. We always want to hear I believe, me to, you know, just to feel like we're part of something. And when I that was allowed resonating. Sound in me, it was like me, too. And I was like, this is this is my space. This is my community. Yeah.
I think it reminds our soul and our spirit that we're not alone, you know that this is the human experience. And I think when you're not in a community like that, your ego gets really loud and tries to isolate you. And that's where shame comes from, and guilt and all those other things. It keeps you hidden. You know, that's where like this concern to always be perfect. Like a lot of our perfectionism stems from that fear. Because you don't understand, this is just the human experience. You know, one of the other things you said that I thought was really important is, I learned you said I learned so much from hearing other people. Because I think a lot of the other concerns is, am I gonna get enough help? If it a group setting? Like, what if I don't have enough? Is there gonna be enough time for me? If I'm gonna get enough help? Have you ever felt like there wasn't enough time for you? Or that you weren't helped by coming to one of the sessions?
No, no, and even if I, even if I did, I would still. So if I didn't feel like I didn't share my story, I would take what I still learned out of that session. And I would table mine for the next session. We, from my experience with group coaching, is that there is always space created. And not the same. Two people bring up their issues all the time, you know, it's everyone is given room, even if the even if no one in that session has had a chat or wants to really share anything, they're just here for learning, you would start off with a teaching moment. And then we would go into a discussion which triggers some sort of thinking in us and it pulls some, some memories, some issues, something that we want to bring to the table. And still, there is always room in every session to discuss whatever it is sometimes it's just something that you want to bring with you. And sometimes it's it's just in the moment, you know, like, you know what, that that reminded me of something and I'd like to share and we all and I love the free studio. So he would say let's let's make space for for your story for you what you would like to bring to the table and, and it's very well managed. I am always in awe of how you handle it, and how you manage it because I feel like everyone has a chance to bully and messy share their story. And you would still find the heart of that story and you would dial in and that part is what everyone else relates with, it's, it's the heart for everyone else to in some capacity. So I really believe that even if you don't, I'm focusing on just the possibility of not having time to share your story. There is always time and space created in another session. So it's, it's always available as one I really want to share. It's always available.
It's so beautiful.
Yeah. And I think that the other thing you said is like, even if you're not the person getting coached, if you're not the person sharing or getting coached, you still learn so much from listening to the other people. I know, in my experience, when I've been a participant in group coaching, I had all those same fears, like am I gonna have the courage to share, I'm so afraid these people are gonna judge me, you know, and you would hear everybody else and you're like, holy smokes, we're all experiencing the same thing. But also, because we're experiencing the same thing when that person gets coached, you can take that coaching on for yourself and say, Oh, how does this apply to me? And I think that's one of the biggest lessons here. You know, it's like, even if you're not the person getting coached, you take all of those lessons with you.
And there's always space to be coached, you know, we always make space. I also love what you said. And this is me tooting my own horn for just a quick second. But how I quickly downland to the problem, I think I've been doing this work for so long now. And I've allowed myself in my own when I've been the coachee, you know, to get super, super messy and allow myself to also transform and go through my own journey, that I think I'm pretty good at dialing in on exactly what's going on really, really quickly. I think that's why we have so much space and so much time to get through all of the students who want to get coached. Because I can say, I can hear the story and be like, Nope, I know, the exact problem here. And let me help you, you know, in a way, just kind of like what you mentioned, that's also just like kind and respectful and compassionate, you know because shits hard, you know, and we want to create space for everybody feeling the feelings and just hold them high with a lot of love, you know? So, you know, the group coaching, I think, is one thing most people are afraid of, did you have any other concerns before you joined? And if so, like, what helped you put those fears to rest?
I believe, with my experience, I was in a place where I needed help. And I wanted to perceive it. One of the things that even these group coaching sessions offered me was the low-hanging fruit of showing up. I think that's if that was already a very hard thing for me to do. I was afraid of showing up in every way possible. I thought, maybe in the group coaching sessions, I would if I had to show up, then I had to show up with like, all of these. This presentation, like, this is me. This is how I'm flawed. Look at look at how, how I am just not at the best possible level, and oh my god, please don't laugh at me. Okay. I felt like I had to just armor myself up. Just like someone's gonna punch me in the gut. Okay, this is the real deal. But I think the easiest thing that I did was just click the call and sign up and show up even if, like you're right, there are sometimes conflicts, and we can choose to manage that. I believe I missed maybe the first two coaching calls after I signed up for the program because number one was I had a conflicting call. Number two, I was scared.
So I would, there were there was a time when I was just hovering my mouse on the launch zoom call button. And I would just go X. I'm too scared. I don't want to do it. And then when I was like, third week because I'm gonna make time for it. I don't care. I'm going to try Okay, I'm gonna try. I watched a few of the modules. I feel okay about it. I think I have my armor on. Okay, I'm ready. And then I click the call And then hope, I hope I actually hoped for other people to be on the call. And then, you know, that way they would talk about themselves. And I don't have to say anything I can hide. But then it was, I believe, just me and one other person. So we started off with that with the other participant, she shared her story. And I will say, of course, of course, this is a space, I chose the space I chose to sign on. For this reason, I wanted to be heard, that is the biggest thing that I realized by just taking that one baby step. So what I would like to offer is to figure out your baby step, what is that one little thing you can do to show up, it could very well be what I did hovering on that button for the first few sessions and clicking Close. But at least you're taking that step to have opened the page. And then maybe the next thing you can do is actually click and then keep your camera and microphone off. And then you, you build yourself up, do what you got to do to take the 1% progress counts, you know? And then, and then many months later, even maybe a year later, you just see how far you've come? And isn't that what we're all hoping to do, we're just taking that one little baby step at a time. And just don't come in with an agenda, as all I ask is, I would come in with my agenda, and it would completely go to waste. Because what my agenda is written up by is my ego. But what my heart wants is to be seen and heard, acknowledged, appreciated, and loved.
that's beautiful. You know, I had a student kind of speaking to what you just said, who I can, I have, like so many stories of this put like one of our students who joined like a few months ago and hadn't made time for the group sessions. And then she showed up to a group session last week. And she kept her camera off, I think she was afraid, you know, and then she started participating in the conversation with her camera off, she got super into it. And at the end ruder and takeaways and to take away was, Wow, I had not made time for these sessions, I didn't know how far they were gonna be, I am so happy that I'm here with all of you. That was her takeaway that she couldn't wait to come back.
I absolutely credit all my growth to these group coaching sessions. And you've acknowledged my progress. So much, and I completely agree with her. It was just, it was actually in these coaching sessions, where it's a shared experience. And you know, when we share our takeaways, and we hear each other's takeaways, we take away even more than we had signed up for, I think, like, going into the courses and modules and doing the work, it helps us to an extent, and that extent is our own limitations. But when we're in a group setting, we can actually test and push our boundaries a little bit more. It's like group workout sessions, you know when you go into the gym, and you're lifting weights together, you're sharing in the pain working out. And I think that helps. And then you can look at each other, you're like, I feel your pain, I feel your pain, too. And then you guys are just just supporting each other towards that end goal of that session, you know. So you just you, I feel like I've left a group workout session feeling way better about myself, then a solo workout session where I'm crying that I had to do it for myself.
It's really beautiful. And I do just want to add to that, that I don't think that there's there's no such thing as a perfect way to do this program. We've had students that show up and watch the modules and only watch the recordings of the group coaching sessions and they just haven't been able to show up to the actual sessions. They are getting tremendous results. And then we have people who only did a group coaching session and don't do any other modules. They're getting tremendous results. There are people who are super hyperactive in the Facebook group, you know, and they're getting great results. So I just, I just know in my heart like when you join you get exactly what it is that you need. When you just like to use the program to benefit you and however it is that you need it just know that there's no perfect way to do it. You know, I would love to hear you know, you mentioned you started off talking about people Please eat and how the program has supported you in getting over that. I'd love to hear if there any other benefits you've gotten from coaching from working together
100% If anything, I have become more courageous. In a lot of aspects of my life, I have also learned to allow myself to feel like I have work to do to grow, rather than, Oh, I'm so I'm so dumb. Like, I've changed my internal monologue. I've changed the language I use with myself, I have said this before with you in many of my coachings, that when I am talking to myself when I want to introduce change in my life, I, I, I am very harsh. I talk very unkindly with myself, I tell myself that I am, I'm failing, I'm a failure. And I used to do that because it just, it was how I had seen my mom talk to herself that she would try herself with that, like, you know, she wants to prove herself wrong. And that's the language she would use, but I just have adopted it. And I was like, This is how it's gonna work. But I just ended up hurting my feelings and want to do the work anyway.
So I understood that that's not what I needed, I understood that this is how I would prefer to have been spoken to. And I can say for a fact that now when I am facing a challenge, the first thing I say to myself is, yes, it is my old programming. Oh, my God, why did I do this? Why am I not doing that? But then I get to stand in my, in my true in my authentic self, and I get to say, You know what? It's okay. It sucks. It feels really crappy, right now. But, you know, we're feeling this way. Because it's, it feels hard. And that's okay. We're smart, we are capable of solving this together. Let's figure out what the first thing we need to do is, if that's hard, we'll figure out what part zero is. And if that's hard go take a nap. How's that? So, I learned how to talk to myself in a way that I needed to hear, hear me hear someone speak to me. And one of the greatest things I heard was when my friend said, you know, you've become the adult, that you need it. When you were a kid. When I heard that, I was like, I had no idea that you recognize that growth. Because I, I was also not giving myself credit, I was just like, I'm gonna do better, I'm just going to do every 1%, better 1%. But I forgot to look back and see just how far I'd come along. And how much it means for me to keep going one step at a time. So that really was just such a beautiful moment for me that I got to experience, really, thanks to this work I had done to, to just change how I spoke to myself and how I carried myself how I brought, how I stepped into various situations, challenging situations. And I have more, more of an accurate principle that I can stand by, right? That's, what resonates with me, the person I'm aligned with. And it's not just someone else's principle that I'm just adopting and saying, Maybe this will fit in this jigsaw puzzle.
You know, absolutely. How do you think, you know, I mentioned this earlier about when we have one shift in an area of our life because it sounds like, you know, it's interesting because we don't realize how important self-compassion is until you start practicing it. And I always think that there are three big things that women will always get when we work together. There's learning how to use the power of intention to really create the life you want. Learning self-discipline, so that you can actually achieve what you want. And then self-compassion so that you do it kindly and nicely and love yourself along the way, instead of kind of being mean to yourself, which is how we all fall. We needed to be to succeed, to judge ourselves and be mean and be harder and get up earlier in the morning, you're not getting up early enough, stop sleeping so much stop being lazy, you know, all those things that we used to say to ourselves. And so I definitely have seen that shift in you. And I'm curious, because, you know, once you start adopting all these things like you mentioned, we, you know, we learn about the 1% rule, for example, inside of the program, we learned about self-compassion, how to use that in a way that's going to serve you and you know, to move you along in a way that's kind and loving to you. And so I'm curious, you know, now that you've had these tools, how have you seen them kind of ripple out in other areas of your life? Like, how do you show up at work? For example,
I used to be so scared about how I would look at work, I needed to look smart, and capable, I needed to look, I don't know, just like someone who is who has the life together, they have, their career together. But my language was always very apologetic, because, I was not sure of myself, I would always the the self-discipline part was just not coming. Because the self-compassion was missing. And then there was the sorry, can you remind me what the third element was?
Intention, self-discipline, self-compassion?
Yes. So intention was to hang out all by herself. Self-discipline had checked out, and self-compassion was, she was not there. So I realized that was just how I was avoiding the work and how I was also staying safe. You know, I have been successful so far, without discipline and compassion. So there is something working, but it just, my heart wasn't full. So it was working on the language, that internal language to help bring self-discipline into practice. And that took I when I started, I was like, Oh, my God, why do I have a talk show with myself, it's, it takes me forever to get out of bed, and just make my way to the bathroom, and put my you know, clothes on because I was really trying to get up and get to work on time. And I had to really put in an additional hour, so I could talk myself into every step and get and get myself to work. So eventually, I was able to do it so much faster, you know, it takes like a little bit of practice. And it got faster. So that I was able to get to work on time, much more on time than before. And for myself, no one was telling me anything about being late. But for myself, I was able to get to work on time. And then I wanted to fix the stories, the apologies that I was inserting unnecessarily. I did that by any time I was, I felt like I wanted to say sorry, I would just stop and wait for the person to just talk talk over me like I was done. I'm done talking. I would.
So what I learned was, that I don't ever need to apologize, actually, when I'm delivering something when something is late, or when something when I need help with something, I would just go up and say, I have done XYZ. ABC isn't making sense to me. And I don't know how to make this work. Can you help me? And I would stop. So immediately, the result of that was I was still I was still very much someone who stabbed my friends. My friends were colleagues, they would say that You sound very sure of yourself. I was like, I am literally falling apart in my head. And that was because I internally was not put together but it's generally I was by just even eliminating the apologies. By eliminating these little things that weren't taking away my effectiveness of me. I was slowly internalizing it. And eventually what that helped me do was become a bit more resilient in how I was approaching things. I don't know because I don't know No, I will not know everything. I will never know everything. But how do I approach that? How do I not apologize for being me in the process of it? That was one of the biggest things that I truly accomplished in these in few months was, that I allowed myself to not know, I allowed myself to ask questions. And I allowed myself to be polite. And without the apologies,
that is so beautiful. See how because what you mentioned, is how you became more confident. Because, you know, when you started, you said, you're insecure. And a lot of us experience what we call, you know, the phenomenon of imposter syndrome. We don't feel like we belong, we don't feel like we're good enough. Doesn't matter how many tests I've taken or all my degrees. And I think you had a little bit of that when you started, you know, and, you know, throughout the entire process, what you learned was how to show up more confident, you know, and everyone sees that around you, even though you might not totally feel it. Yeah, but people are seeing it. And I think the other thing you touched on that I think is so important is one of the things that I've learned is how I get people results so fast because we approach the problem on so many different levels and different dimensions. For one, we are 100% doing the work internally, we're rewiring your brain every day, getting rid of that old programming that doesn't work, replacing it with things that are more authentic to you, that really makes sense for you that feel helped you feel liberated and confident.
And at the same time, we're doing it from the outside in where I'm teaching you how to take actions that feel so uncomfortable, like when you just paused and didn't say anything, and it felt so weird and so uncomfortable, right? It's like, but when you do things from the outside in things that you don't identify as who you are, you become that person. So doing it from all of these different angles. That's how we get these results so fast. And I'm just so proud of who you are today and how and who you have become, you know, in the work because you've been committed and dedicated and have been doing the work, have been kind to yourself, you know, and have learned that it's safe to be vulnerable here with us, but also at work. It sounds like it's so beautiful. I just really, really appreciate you being here today and taking the time to be here. So tell me like, if you had if, if you knew somebody that was kind of on the fence about joining or wasn't so sure. Is this the right thing for them? I don't know. I don't know if we'll have time I'm nervous. I don't know, will it work for me? What would you tell them,
I would say the journey to your most authentic self is definitely a messy journey, we need a few extra hands here to help bring hands. And that could make all the difference. This program is guiding it's helping you guide your own way, all while building you up first. So you can feel brave and courageous to build your way. However, it turns out, however it takes you it's going to be completely rewarding because it's your work. And you are authentic, and that entire journey. And that was what I really needed. And that's why I took the leap. I believe that we all need a little bit of that because you know, the world shapes us of course, our experiences shape says. But when we become the masters of who we are of ourselves, or we we really become the masters of our own fate?
Wow, that is so true. And you can't become the master until you actually master your mind. Right like you master your mind and your emotions. Then you become the master of your fate. I have Yeah,
I still have our comments off intermediate. At this point. I still believe that there is more work before I feel like I'm a master. But that also is a journey. And I already feel so much more brave and confident and courageous in my life. I can stand up for myself way more than I ever could in just last year my last year, I was constantly compromising, giving up what I wanted. But even now I'm able to accept discomfort for what it is just feeling a feeling that I can overcome
that right there is like the trick right that's what's helped you set boundaries. That's what helped you stop people pleasing. That's what helped you be more confident and courageous. Learning how To like, and manage those emotions. I'm so proud of these, Neha. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us today. I really appreciate it. I'm just so moved by everything that you said,
I cannot thank you enough for just helping me this whole time. You've held my hand in this journey. And even when I'm not active, really speaking with you, or I'm not actively participating in group sessions, I just feel like I've got someone to Catriona evolve. So I think you've heard that, but that assurance?
No, I'm sitting in your bed hungry now. Well, I want, I want to thank you again. And for all of you listening, I wanted to say hi to share her story, because I think it's so helpful for all of us to listen and get an example of what's possible for us. You know, this is possible for you to take this leap and join the journey. And having this transformation in your life and learning how to be more confident, and more courageous and learning how to show up as the authentic you without fear, you know, and learning how to have difficult conversations and how to set boundaries, and how to feel like you belong, you know, without feeling like an imposter. All of that's available to you. And when you do that, guess what's happened, you become more effective, you're able to get more done in a day, you start saving a ton of time you start having time for things that matter to you. You can join martial arts if you want, you can go volunteer in your kid's classes, you can read a book for fun, all of that is available to you when you put yourself first. And when you learn all of these tools to actually master your mind and your emotions. That's what we do inside the journey. So if this resonated with you, I want to invite all of you to take a look at VanessaCalderonmd.com/join, there's a link in the show notes. Thank you again. Sneha. This has been such a treat for me.
Thank you, Vanessa.
Well, sweet friends, thank you. Thank you for tuning in. And remember, again, if I can leave you with anything. It's this. The changes you want to make in your life are possible for you right now. They're possible for you right now, no matter the circumstances that you're experiencing. So if you know you're ready to make sustained changes in your life, if you know you're ready to stop feeling stressed to stop feeling burned out to stop feeling like you're not in control. If you know you're ready. All you need to do is commit and it's okay if you're nervous. Because sometimes we have to make changes, even if we're a little afraid. That's what courage is. Courage is making choices, taking action in the face of fear, and defining Oh, anything. I know that you because my listeners are awesome. I know that you have courage. So if you're ready to make changes, all you've got to do is commit even if you're a little nervous, and I have got you every step of the way. I will be there with you every step of the way. Again, check out the program. It's VanessaCalderonmd.com/join, you can find all the information for the journey. Alright, sweet friends, I'm sending you all so much love as Bella Proxima which means until next time, I will see you next week
Hey, sweet friends, if you love what you're learning anything you've got to join us in the journey. It's my all-inclusive program and the best community out there giving you the education you never knew you needed to help you create a life you love. Join us at VanessaCalderonmd.com/join. I'll see you there.
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The Empowered Brain: About the Podcast
This podcast is for all women, those that identify as leaders and those that don't, yet. You'll learn how to let go of guilt and self-doubt so you can show up with confidence everywhere you go. No more questioning if your idea is good enough to share, if it's worth it to speak up, or if you're a good enough leader. All that self-critical B.S. stops now. Listen in as masterful educator and Harvard grad physician, Dr. Vanessa Calderón, teaches you how to let go of the things standing in the way of your success as a leader. Get ready, this podcast will accelerate your personal and professional growth.
Dr. Vanessa Calderón, MD, MPP has over 20 years of leadership experience. She is a Harvard grad, ER physician, Life and Leadership coach, and a mother of 2. She's a first generation Latina and is dedicated to uplifting her community. She's the founder of the Latina Leadership Accelerator, where she uses education and coaching to support the personal and professional development of women at all stages of their lives and careers.
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This evidence-based coaching program has everything professionals need to be more productive, feel better and get more done, in only 12 weeks.
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