What's Possible: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome, Getting Promoted at Work, and Improving my Marriage (while raising 3 young kids) with Dr. Angie
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Episode #123: What's Possible: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome, Getting Promoted at Work, and Improving my Marriage (while raising 3 young kids) with Dr. Angie
About the Episode:
Have you ever seen someone's success and your brain immediately tried to make excuses as to why they were able to do that but those results are not possible for you? If so, I totally get you. This thought-trap is so common, I do it too, and it's getting in the way of you creating the changes you want to make in your life.
The changes you want to make are possible for you right now, no matter the circumstances.
This week on the podcast, you'll hear the first episode in the "What's Possible" series, interviews with my students. I'm bringing you real stories from real people who made sustained changes they didn't even realize was possible for them.
This series celebrates their successes, teaches you key insights, and serves as inspiration and an example of what's also possible for you.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Full Transcript Here
123. What's-Possible: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome, Getting Promoted at Work, and Improving my Marriage while raising 3 young kids with Dr. Angie
Welcome to the Empowered brain, the only podcast using science, psychology and coaching to help you rewire your brain and create a life you love with your host, Dr. Vanessa Calderon, a Harvard grad physician, master coach, and mother of two.
Hello, sweet friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I am so happy to be here with all of you. Because as you probably have heard me say before, I absolutely love being able to just be in community with you, wherever you are in the world. It just got a testimonial from somebody from South Africa and someone else from Italy. And it just warms my heart that this podcast is reaching so many people all across the world. Because you know, my mission in life is really to be in service and to help as many human beings as I can overcome generational trauma and internalized systems of oppression, including sexism and racism and fatphobia and everything else that we've internalized. When you're able to overcome those things, you can then freely achieve your purpose in life really creating a space of self-acceptance and self-actualization. Without stress, without burnout in a way that really serves you. And that is what the world needs, the world needs you to show up as much as possible. The more you can be, the better the world will be.
So I am just thrilled to be here with you every week. And you know, I am coming to you from Atlanta, where I recently moved and it is becoming fall here and the weather is just absolutely amazing. Although I have learned that the mosquitoes are here through October, mosquito season goes all the way through October, and we are out putting out our Halloween decorations here. And we've got to make sure we bug spray it up so that we don't get all those mosquito bites. We go a little crazy for Halloween at our house, we get super creative and we do all these fun things. So if you'd like to see those Halloween decorations, I'll be posting them on the gram on my Instagram at Vanessa CalderonMD. And remember that if you have a topic that you'd like me to cover on the podcast, you can send me a DM on IG, again at VanessaCalderonMD.
In fact, I have a few episodes coming up that have directly come from your request. So feel free to send me a DM on Instagram. And if I've already covered the topic you have requested, I will direct you to the right episode. And remember, again, that if you love what you're learning here, if you're enjoying the podcast, I would really, really, really appreciate it, I would love your help if you rated the podcast and left it to review. You know, that's how the algorithm works for podcasts. When podcasts are rated and reviewed, it makes it so much easier for other people to find us. So please take a second today to rate the podcast and review it if you are listening to it on a platform where you can leave reviews, especially on iTunes. Alright, so what are we covering today? So in the next few episodes, I am doing a series of podcasts that I am calling in what's possible.
Now the entire purpose of the What's Possible series is threefold. Number one, I get to celebrate all of the success and the beautiful progress that my students have made. So I'll be interviewing my students so I can celebrate their success, too, I would love for you to just learn from them and hear their insights and how they've grown through working together. And the third one, and really, you know, what I think is so incredibly important is that they get to serve as an example of what is truly possible for all of you. You know, sometimes we fall into this thought trap, where we see or hear other people's results. And we say things to ourselves like, well, they were only able to achieve that because XYZ, or that's not possible for me. And we make excuses for their success. Like for example, they were able to do that because they don't have kids or they were able to do that because their parents live nearby or whatever it is. And we are all guilty of this. The ego does this all the time, myself included. But sweet friends, making sustained changes in your life is possible for you. It's possible for you right now. No matter the circumstances that you are experiencing. All you need to do is decide you're ready and commit to making the change. Once you do that, the rest of it goes step by step.
So first in our What's possible series, I bring you a beautiful example of what is possible for you. When you decide you are ready to make a change when you decide you're ready to stop living stressed out and burned out on this hamster wheel, you're ready to stop letting imposter syndrome and insecurity take hold of your life. Alright, so friends enjoy the episode. Hi, everyone, I have a special treat for my friend and one of my students. Dr. Angie Wilson is here with us today. Angie, do you mind introducing yourself? Yes, I am Dr. Nancy Wilson. I currently live in practice emergency medicine in Northwest Arkansas, which is not where I'm from. It's been a little bit of a journey getting here. I trained at Michigan State and then took my first job in Texas and then practiced in Boston for a few years. And then ended up here and I am a site Medical Director for two main hospitals and associated freestanding ERs. I am the Chief of Staff of one of those hospitals. And I am training to be the Regional Medical Director for the Northwest Arkansas market.
So I felt like I really needed to up my game on my professional learning. So here I am. That's amazing girlfriend, so awesome. All right. So I just want to hear about your entire experience, you know, being a part of the journey and part of the program. So I'd love to just start at the beginning. So tell us like, why were you interested in joining this program?
I actually feel like somehow either God or the universe just like brought you into my life at the right time. I, you know, I kind of tried to like do my own research for a while, like I knew I kind of had an imposter syndrome. And I never really saw myself as a leader until I got tapped on the shoulder to do it. But then once I was pushed into that role, I was like, wow, my imposter syndrome is really bad. And I used to try to I would try little things on like, I knew it was there. But I didn't really know what to do about it. Like I read that book. I can't remember her name, but it's called unlocking your authentic self. And it's kind of like a coaching book. But you can only take yourself so far by reading about something. And so, interestingly enough, how I found out about you, Vanessa was through a Facebook
feed. But it was a bunch of people, when it's me, physician moms, that young physician mom group, and basically saying, almost like in a negative way saying like, there are these people that say you can do it all and have it all? And how could they say that that's just ridiculous or whatever, but no one said your name? But somehow I researched I was like, Who is this person? I gotta find this person who says that you can be happy, you can manage your time. And you can do it all. And I'm like, oh, no, these naysayers don't know what they're talking about. And so that's how I and then I think it came through Instagram is how I found you. And I was like, This is who I mean, this is who I need my life right now. So yeah, that's kind of how it all started people basically, not thinking it's possible. But I think that's just a really poor story. I think it's helped me so much, actually, and helped me grow just even the small time I've been part of the journey. So I'm really grateful. Wow, beautiful. So you said it's helped you grow? Like, tell us more? How has it helped you grow?
Just raising awareness of so many of the issues that women in leadership roles face are just women who are both parents and work outside. It's just kind of raising awareness of the core issues. It's kind of like what's below the iceberg of the external results, you know, so whether it's the patriarchy discussion, or, you know, just all that's expected of women, it's kind of like, it helps me realize I'm not alone in that. And just even normalizing. Like, it's helping me with mom guilt. For one thing, that's been a big, big part of it, because I have struggled with that a lot to the point of like, where I feel like quitting or giving up or I'm doing something wrong. But I think it's so powerful to have like that support and validation and a community of women who are able to tell me a different story, especially because I live in an area where I don't have a community of women surrounding me, in live real-time, as I work in a circle of men, they're all men colleagues, they probably have all had someone stay home and raise their kids for them while they, you know, did the leadership stuff and didn't, you know, so I feel like it's a very
it's a small group of people who are really doing all those things and are trying to do it well. And so hearing that positive voice of like, yes, you can do this. You need to be crystal clear on what are your priorities and you know, it is that sort of thing.
hoping to do I think I think it's helping me
feel so much more hopeful.
Just about my future and my trajectory helped me see that it's not, I'm not doing something wrong by doing what I'm doing. I'm actually doing a lot for not only my kids but also, in my career, I'm able to help more people, and I'm able to maximize my impact by letting go of this impostor syndrome, limiting beliefs, and things like that. And that's where the coaching sessions and even the content are really helping me get my thought life under control. You know, because just seeing what the cognitive thought model is like I'm 100% responsible for the results in my life. Because it starts with my thoughts, you know, and those exercises are really powerful. Yeah, it's so crazy. It's funny how you found a kind of foundry, which is like this concept of having it all. I actually, I kind of think that that's really tiring and kind of boring, and I hate having the conversations with people. Can women have it all? Who cares? I don't care. Like, who has that conversation? Like men have that conversation? Why do we even have to talk about that, that's so silly, like just have what it is that you want, that you care about, and have that and do that. So well do that because you care about it, you're passionate about it. I hate the concept. Like, I remember when I was talking to somebody once about this concept of having it all.
Okay, again, like, really, we have to have this conversation again. And I get why we have it, but it's just not my jam. Like I don't care about any just have what you want and have more of it. Yeah, it's so true. And, and I think to find your tribe, that's the answer to it's like, I don't want to be a part of a negative group that says, Everything sucks. And it's not possible to be happy if you're a doctor and a mom, because that was basically the message. And I'm like, I just don't agree with that. Whether it's having it all or like you said, having a piece of it. I think it's
I think it's all about how you think about it. And I think reframing is so powerful. I think that I see a lot of that positive psychology and reframing work and that personal work just in your content. And I'm like, that's really where it's at. You know, I mean,
it's not, it's not that the world is stressful, it's that the world is full of people thinking stressful thoughts, you know, and so I think that's such a key concept of like, if you're not crystal clear about your thoughts like you're just creating stressful results.
And I think each one of the coaching system sessions I come away with, like some little nugget, but it's like a little another little like armor in my quiver or arrow in my quiver, I guess, so to speak, of like, okay, that's an arsenal to like, fight against this negativity, and, you know, like, tell a different story and write a different script. And it's super inspiring. Sorry, I'm gonna get like, me too. I also gonna get emotional. I think it's, you've just said it so well, because, you know, there's curriculum inside the program, right? That you can like, learn, and do it whenever you want. And then there's the coaching sessions, which is just always such a beautiful time to come together. And I totally hear you. I mean, I think, what are we doing inside there? We're doing three things, right? We're teaching you how to be super intentional, and how you see the world and think, but also like, how to actually sit out and do the things you want to do, like how to have that discipline to do what it is you want to do. But do it with kindness and self-compassion, you know, tell me like, what's making you emotional? Because I'm seeing the emotion coming up. And I'm curious.
I think it's just realizing that there's such a different and better way to do things and getting unstuck. Like, in a way it's like, man, like it's, it's almost like a release of like, a heavy burden, or something that's like, no, there there is. It's, I had this graphic. I don't know if you have a graphic designer, but I've had it for a long time in my mind. Like, you were the person that I was looking for that like, I picture a person on like, a cliff that's like climbing up this like really steep ledge, and you're like, like several steps ahead, but you have a rope and you're like, offering it down for people to climb up.
So, you know, you're, you may not be perfect and have everything figured out. Like you said, you're not just like not like behave at all. It's just like no, you've ascended this climb and traversed some really difficult shit for lack of a better word. Sorry, am I allowed to swear?
But, I mean, I see that you as being that that coach, you're just like, No, you can do it, like just put your foot here and put your hand here and just hold on to the rope as I got you. You know I got you and so I don't know if you have a graphic designer that could
you know, create that for you but I think it's a powerful picture of like, what your program is, it's just like, you don't have to be 100%
figured everything out for everyone's life, you just have to be a few steps ahead for the people that you're helping, you know, and the people that you're helping, like, you're many steps ahead of me, but like, you're in the, you're in the direction that I want to go. You know, like, that's where I want to go, I want to be able to, I want to be able to then reach back and say, here's the rope, you know, find the way you know, I don't know how to get there. But I, you know, I started writing a long time ago. And just stories that I thought would be inspiring for other women, just things that I've navigated even.
I don't know why all this emotion is going on. It's crazy. But you know, just motherhood didn't start easily for me, my first pregnancy, I had a partial molar pregnancy of twins. And I didn't find out that one of the twins was dead until I went into my off my ultrasound that was supposed to be for my dates. And I'm, you know, staring at this screen and I see like, lifeless, you know, I mean, I'm a doc. So I knew immediately I'm like, Oh, crap, like, you know, so that rough start inspired me to kind of write from that place of pain. And
I've had this idea since then of, writing, and the name of that writing is called dura mater life. And Dura Mater is just like, you know, we are all kind of like dura Mater's in a way. We're those tough mothers that are like, trudging through and you know, pulling others up and locking together and getting toughened by the things that we're going through. But it's in some ways, the pain is like, you know, transformed into something beautiful. You know, so, I don't know, to me, I'm beautiful. I see you as a dura mater, that is, you know, inspiring and, you know, helping others on this journey. And I
I'm, you know, I've been positively impacted by, by you. And I, I appreciate that so much. So, that is so kind of you to say, I often think of like, those pain points, kind of like a bud, like a rosebud, you know.
And if you let yourself heal, and if you let yourself grow. And if you give yourself love in those moments, then what happens is you just grow a beautiful rose. And that Rose is what impacts the world. But I love how I've never heard the word or the dura mater. But I just think that that's, it's really beautiful. I really received that. Thank you.
It's huge mentioned something earlier on, which is like, you'd read a book,, and there's only so much you can get. And I'm curious, because, you know, I think a lot of people just think that you're supposed to be able to figure this out yourself.
You know, and so I'm curious, like, how, like, how was that for you? When did you finally realize that you needed a little bit more on what's been the difference for you, between consuming content, like reading books, or listening to podcasts, versus really being in it, like being in the program and doing the work? Well, I think it just, it's helped me navigate like real-life situations, like you can't go to a book and navigate the chapter on how to like, or you can't go to the book and look up the chapter and like, Well, how do I navigate being stuck in the middle of between, like my company, and my Docs, like, and the last Tuesday that I was able to attend, I wasn't able to attend this Tuesday because I was on a ship, but I was on that coaching call. And then I went directly into this meeting, where I was able to kind of just like, have that in my head and be armed with, you know, kind of preparation in a way and show up in a way that was like non-stress, it was nonanxiety if it wasn't like freaking out and future tripping about what I can't control. It was just kind of like, okay, it just helped me feel like grounded in the moment. And you can't get that from a book. It's kind of like reading a book about therapy, and trying to like self-diagnosis versus like, going to a therapist. And, you know, it's kind of like, it's kind of like people doing got Dr. Google versus going to the doctor. It's kind of like, I mean, you can you can Google stuff all you want, but the content that you read is only one-dimensional. Whereas I would say this is multi-dimensional, because you're not only getting
advice from, you know, compassionate content experts, so to speak, I mean, but you're also getting the moral support of the community of like the Wolfpack for lack of a better word, you know, like, the other women on the call kind of surround each other and they definitely send love and support. I've seen so much love and support in that community, as people just navigate difficult stuff or get emotional about something or like people are just really empathetic, you know, and have really come alongside each other
I think that's powerful. Yeah, it's interesting I, I have noticed and even just for myself, like, I used to have a lot of thoughts like, I should figure this out on my own, like I could do it myself. And when you invest in something that's actually going to support you in integrating and actually taking the actions do the work, not just learning because there's something about consuming, that you consume, and then you go on to the next part of your day, and then you forget about what you consumed and you don't apply it. I think it's like the application, right? It's like actually applying what it is that you're learning for your specific circumstance, like that example you gave was so spot on, from going to that meeting. That's so spot on, like, you got the coaching, you took it to your thing, you integrated it, you applied it, and you had better outcomes.
And I guess another example was the I had, you know, there was one call when I had a such a very difficult situation at work with like an issue with nepotism and all that. And then I was able to receive support, in a way that like, there were different voices of reason there. But even the fact that there was someone in HR that was able to speak to like, you know, that specific situation and kind of validate the place that I was coming from, and it really allowed me to, like, you know, with the tools that were given for the overthinking and think it was, like, helped me recognize, like, where it was getting in that trap of like overthinking and not being able to let go and like, I think just being validated in that way, really helped me move past it and pass the anxiety and the pain that it was causing me. So I think
every time I wish I could join every single call, but every time I do I feel like I really get something out of it even from what other people are going through. So yeah, that's really beautiful. I think the concept of a group coaching session, is so foreign to people, like a lot of people don't even know what coaching is, and then to be like, okay, coaching, but in a group setting, like, I'm gonna just share my Shi T out with the world, you know, and it can feel really scary. I'm curious, like, Were you afraid? And if so, like, what helped you get over it? And what is your kind of experience? Like, what would you tell people that were afraid?
I would say what do you have to lose? You know, like, I mean, get the most out of it, you can get out of it and be vulnerable. And that's what you're, that's why you signed up? And that's why you're paying for it, you know, so, you know, go for it, you know, just do bring it all there. And
I don't think there is anything to be afraid of, I think it is.
I think it's highly valuable. And you get more out of it, the more you share, and the more you're willing to be vulnerable, you know, rather than being a wallflower, it's like just jump in, jump in the hot seat, right? Yeah, I agree. I think when I'm in when I'm in the coachee spot. For me, it's all about being as honest as possible. You know, like, how can I be honest and honest, really means like being vulnerable, and being authentic and letting your Shi T fly out, you know, like, really just, like, get the support that you need. I do think one of the things you mentioned about how much love and compassion is in the group. I just think it's such a sweet little space, right? It's so I call it a sacred space, because it's just full of so much love, and so many people there that want to hold you Hi, you know, and I'm glad that you've had that experience too. And I also think it's so valuable what you said like, the people in the group are smart. And they're like, also ambitious and come from all walks of life and have incredible experiences. And we have physicians and lawyers and like managers and directors and people from the C suite. And
I think that's really sweet. I think it I think it helps with neuroplasticity in a way because it is in some ways when you're dealing you're wanting to face impostor syndrome or whatever problem you're coming for the coaching for like, it's that neuroplasticity that has to happen, that shift and so many times the limiting beliefs or the situations or whatever that is keeping us stuck is coming from this other whole audience in our lives. And we don't have enough of the community of like, Wait, why am I gonna listen to those people? Like, they don't get it, you know what I mean? But you instead you have this community of like, really intelligent, intentional people, like that's the tribe you want to listen to. And so that's what makes it so powerful because it changes, like your brain is going to latch on to like, what it's completely, you know, persistently bed. And so it's like, feeding you a different script, and oh, maybe I maybe I shouldn't listen to that. And maybe I should just, you know, own this and, you know, be unapologetically myself and not worry about the stay-at-home moms who tell me I'm screwing up my kids because I'm working because maybe they're jealous or maybe they don't get it or maybe they're stuck in patriarchy and they don't have a choice, you know, so it's like,
I think it's really powerful in that way that you are putting yourself selectively in a position to be positively influenced.
by a collective wisdom.
Yeah, that's powerful. For sure. You know, one of the things that I'm always so amazed by is you. I mean, a lot of everyone in the program has a lot going on their life, right? But you are a mother of three, you're this incredible physician leader running all these hospitals, you're also a practicing physician, you're also a wife in like, when you think about someone, and time, like, what the heck, like, how do you have time? And so I'm curious, like for you, when you think about the concept of time, because I think a lot of people, you know, are afraid to commit to one more thing. It's like, how will I have time for that? So I'm curious for you, like, how does that show up for you? Like, how do you how do you make it fit into your life?
I think, yeah, I'm always sort of chasing my tail, like, it's like the GAO J it just in time, and like, just got dinner in time, just, you know, like, we're always chasing your tails. But in some ways, it's kind of like I sort of, I prioritize it in a way that I would think of like,
it's prior to prioritizing my men's mind health. And so it's like, it's kind of like you would take care of your body. Like, if you're not going to drink water, and you're not going to feed yourself, well, your body can't function to do all the other things that they're going to do. So to me, I look at it more of like, it's more essential, it's essential that I continue to expose myself to this content to this community and continue to work on myself, it's kind of like that quote like the work we do on ourselves becomes our gift to everyone else. But it's also my gift to myself. Because by joining this community, this is allowing me to actually be successful in my roles, you know, in, in, being able to let go of limiting beliefs and anxiety-producing patterns, that's allowing me to be more present with my kids, you know, that's allowing me to show up better as a leader that's like a badass, you know, and not, like, not so worried what other people think, because I don't need validation from every Tom, Dick, and Harry, because I know how to validate myself, you know, it's kind of like giving you tools
to do your job. So it's kind of like taking essential nutrients, I guess I look at it like that. So yeah, it's more essential than then an extra exercise to because I mean, I think people, if you don't take care of your mind, and you don't take care of your body, we'll look at the results in your life. You know, everything else is kind of secondary. It's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you know, like, you have to have psychological safety. And this, to me is a great way that helps me create psychological safety. It makes me feel
safe in what I'm doing, it makes me feel supported in what I'm doing. And that's kind of like the bottom rung, you know what I mean? And then that's building up physiologic needs, safety, and then building to self-actualization. So, I don't know, that's just the way I look at it. Yeah, I mean, I think it makes a lot of sense, you're gonna make time for the things that matter. You know, it's like you make time to eat, to go to the bathroom. Hopefully, to sleep, a lot of us don't make enough time for a lot of those things. But like, and so this is another thing, like for those of you that are listening, that are committed to exercise, like no matter what, you go to the gym, like, what if you prioritize your mental health, that same way, right there. It's like, whatever it else that it is that you're committed to. Maybe it's the love that you have for your children, if you're listening and you have kids or your spouse, like whatever it is, I'm committed to my marriage, I'm committed to you know, the relationship with my kids. And just like Andrew said, like, what if you were equally committed to yourself and to your mental health and your own well the more committed you are to your mental health and your well-being, it's not about being selfish, but it's about you now being able to give of yourself at the other high level, it's like, so high, right, like, without the guilt, without the anxiety without the stress.
I think it is a form of self-love, like, you know, instead of looking at it, like, oh, it's one more thing on my to-do list. It's like, well, no, I love myself enough to prioritize me like the way I think about it is like, this is my thing. This is something I do for myself. And to me, it's worth every penny, you know, because it's like knowing how many things you pay for you. You have a money budget and a time budget and you know, you'll have so many budgets you have in your life, you have a budget of like, how many fucks you can give about stuff you have a budget of like how many dollars you can spend you like everything is like about a budget, you know what I mean? And, you know, you can only give so much and so to me, this is this is like an essential line item on the budget. And
I'm seeing definite positive returns on my investment. That I think you said something like, you know if something's shows up in one area of your life, it's going to, it's going to show up everywhere else. So like, the more I heal my inner wounds and my imposter syndrome and my limiting beliefs, like, I'm just going to show up that much more effective with my kids with my work with my husband. You know, and even with myself
I look forward to learning more about self-compassion, because I know that's something that you're passionate about. And I don't totally understand what that is. I mean, I know what it is logically, but like, just how to practice that. You know, I'm sure there'll be more podcasts about it. But yeah, I think it just helps me show up better. In general. Yeah, that's so beautiful. Girlfriend, man I'm getting so emotional hearing you talk, I just remember the very, very first call we had when you first joined, and hearing where you are now, and how we are showing up for yourself and the things you're seeing. And oh my gosh, I'm just like, you don't need me to be proud of you. But just like, so proud of your craft. It's so beautiful. So I'd love to hear a little bit more about the results that you mentioned. Because I 100% agree with you. I think how I mean, I've said this before, right? That's probably why I agree because I've said it, but it's like, how you do one thing in life is how you do everything. And when you improve one little part of your life, like you mentioned, the insecurity, it's gonna show up in so many other areas of your life, like, you'll just show up more confident. And so I'm curious if you could think about, like, for you, like, of what you've learned so far, what have been the things that you feel like, I've helped you the most, two or three things or something like that?
Yeah, I think something that applies in every area, and I definitely heard about this before, but kind of the concept of radical acceptance, you know, accepting things the way they are, rather than the way they think they should be. You know, and that has helped me in so many ways, like, releasing my internal like shoulds, well, they should be like that, or they shouldn't have done that, or, like, you know, and it's helped me to be just less stressed out, you know, it's like, focus on, you know, what really is in my influence, you're in my sphere of control, and then, you know, release, release the rest, and, you know, kind of be able to let go of stuff helps me let go of, you know, other people's negativity and not hold on to that, you know, even just in working with my colleagues.
I think you had coached me on, there was a CEO meeting, and I was with my other colleague, who's kind of like, the classic, like, alpha male. And, you know, at first sometimes like, and I, I'm sure it was me, and my imposter syndrome of feeling like insecure around him, and just being like, well, you know, like, a little sort of, like, reactive. And I feel like, I've totally been able to let go of that. And because of that, he and I work in parallel together. And it's like, it's not about like, I'm a girl, and he's a dude. And like, who's who and like, we're not trying to like, step on each other's heads like, and I don't feel I don't feel activated or intimidated by him at all anymore. Just because he's a dude. And he's more assertive, I'm just like, owning the way I am. And leading with empathy and compassion, but I'm also like, leveraging his edge to learn, you know, in some ways, how to show up like a dude. So I feel nothing but positive vibes. And I feel like that's helped that working relationship to the point that maybe we're even ready to go on a couple's date or something with my husband and his, you know, like, to her, like, if we're gonna work together, we might as well be friends.
But, you know, so I think that's just one way that, you know, that radical acceptance piece, it helps me to accept the imperfections of just like my crazy kids, sometimes when they're screaming and fighting, and, you know, it's like accepting that that is what kids do, they are loud and messy. So instead of being like, ah, you know, and getting stressed out by that, it's kind of like, I'm just going to accept the way they are and love them the way they are and treat them with compassion. And, and,
you know, you could apply it to 1000 different things, even just like all the chaos in my work and contract negotiations. I mean, there's so much that is out of our control that we try to control in our minds. But that's exactly what we're doing in mental gymnastics, we're trying to control things in our minds. And we have no control over that. So it's just kind of, yeah, that radical acceptance piece has been really huge.
That's huge. And it's so interesting how it applies everywhere, right? It's like you've learned here. I think that that's one of the biggest benefits, especially for a lot of women who are attracted to doing this work. It's like we're attracted to do that in this way. Because we're ambitious, and we want to reach our potential and we don't want to do it with stress, and we don't want to do it with burnout. And then it turns out, you start doing the work and you're like, oh my gosh, I am so much of a better daughter and a better sister. I'm a better mom, you know, and all of a sudden you start realizing how fulfilling you can create these personal relationships, you know,
And I just, I just think that that's beautiful.
What do you think really surprised you? What surprised you about the program?
I mean, one thing that surprised me was how much actual
like even individual coaching is available within the sessions, because of the way people, and schedulers work, like it's not this huge group where you're like, taking number one of 25. Like, and that was what was interesting. My husband is a big coaching content consumer. And that's how I heard about coaching. There's a guy named Garrett J. White, and he's been part of his program for a while he's a coach for businessmen who are married fathers. And so he's got a lot of stuff there. And when I was talking to him about the program, he's like, No way, like, how are you going to get any like one on one time, like, because Garrett would charge you know, this much and, you know, like, or whatever. So, the reward benefit I would say the value is really, really high. Because, you know, it's not like this.
You know, most coaches are not very accessible to the individual, like, if it's a group coaching session, like, you're not really going to get a lot of individual interaction, so to speak, I think that because of the way the program's built, and also the way that you have the Facebook group built for people to interact there, it's like an additional platform. So I think that was positively surprising, especially compared to other programs.
Yeah, that's a really good point. I know, for myself, when I've been in group programs, I've experienced something similar to what you're explaining. And I think intentionally when I built this, I wanted to make sure people had what they needed. And so I was like, what are all the different ways that we can support people you know, so this private community that's built on Facebook, right? Or like, I don't think you've access to it yet but we also have like an Ask a Coach. So you can always get access online, like, you can just submit your question 24 hours a day. And then we have the actual coaching sessions, that we are now offering evenings and during the day, you know, so that we can just make them more accessible to people. Because honestly, like, and I know, you probably have felt this, or at least may have said it, but like, my mission in life, like is all about being in service to you and everyone else in our program. It's like, how else can I help? How else can I serve? How else can I make a difference? Like that will be? Because I know when I make a difference for you, you feel it for yourself, then that's your patients and people you lead your children, then the generations to come after that? Yeah.
Yeah, definitely. I've shared your podcasts with people. I've, there's a new young doc who's just starting our group, and she's the only other female physician, I was like, you gotta hear about Vanessa. Like, I mean, like, you know, because we had lunch together. And it's like, yeah, she has impostor syndrome. And she's, like, you know, just starting out. And I'm just like, I wish I had had the message earlier and had the help earlier. And so it's just, like, pass on the message that there, this is not a hopeless situation, and you don't have to, like, listen to all that garbage out there. Like you, there's a better way.
you just need to find the tribe and like, latch on to that. And, you know, I think that's what's cool. So it's, your impact is it's growing. And it's, it's cool to see that I'm, I'm really happy to see you succeed. I don't know if you set it on a podcast or one but like, how your podcast is now reaching like 1000s of people are, you know, like, it's, you know, those episodes are being shared and you're getting your community growing and your sphere of influence, you're, you're helping more people and so that's, that's great. You know, even indirectly, like my little sister, you know, like, when we talk, I'll, you know, help her navigate situations in some ways, and I'm like, you know, have you considered this or I'll send her one of your podcasts like, she listens to him too. So amazing. That's really amazing. Thank you for those kind words. It's very sweet.
Tell me like what do you think you mentioned radical acceptance is one of the things that you felt like has that you've really learned that's been helpful what are you what are you the most proud of overcoming?
I mean, I'm still working on it, but I've had some major wins in the releasing of the people-pleasing peace. You know, I still think I recently downloaded I haven't gone through the whole thing but I know you have that like five steps to release people pleasing or something. I think it's in my inbox that I haven't gone through the PDF yet. But I think just in real-time, just helping navigate some of those situations and realizing how the people pleasing was showing up for me and, and then the aftermath of the, I guess I this is a concept that came to mind right now but the irrational guilt
You know, so the irrational guilt with like, mom guilt, like, there's a lot of irrational guilt there or like, you know, taking responsibility for things that weren't my error mistake in the first place and then, you know, tiptoeing around situations to like, not make other people upset, you know, in the situation with my, my boss hiring her daughter who wasn't, you know, competent to do the job, you know. So it's like, I see myself growing in, in the people pleasing aspect, and it's really freeing, you know, to just to be able to, like, let go of like,
you know, instead of placing more value on other people's opinions of myself, like growing stronger, in my own opinion of myself, and just being 100% confident and unapologetic, you know, not in a non-compassionate way, but just kind of like, letting go of like, I'm still okay, if that person isn't happy with me. That's okay. They're still fine. But I, it's no harm, no foul like, I don't, I'm not responsible for like, a lot of the things that I felt responsible for, you know? Yes, absolutely. And that's interesting, right? Because as a woman, there's so much entrenched in how we're socialized, to always be a helper to always give to never set boundaries, like you're not entitled to boundaries, like what are you talking about, you've got to be a mom, you've got to be there's got to be that. And that brings up all the people pleasing, like so much fear of like, getting somebody mad, or like, disappointing someone, all of that. And so that's huge.
Yeah, that that's come up. I think, that helped me take it to the next level in my marriage in terms of setting that boundary of like, you know, no, that's, that's not really how it is like, I mean, I'm, I'm not responsive for the kids, and you're babysitting sometimes, like with my husband, we were able to set some very strong boundaries on just, you know, sort of some not so great, like, sort of contemptuous behavior towards me, just because of my job in my career. And we ended up with the, the resolution was, it's not put more pressure on me. And, you know, when I'm Max, it's like, well, what extra help can we bring in, and then we can both succeed in our careers. It's not like, somehow I'm screwing you over by being a working mom, like, that's outdated and old fashioned. And like,
that's just part of like, patriarchy, and how we were socialized, you know, and raising awareness to that. It's so key of like, why is it the woman's job? Like, when it takes two people to make a baby? It's like, 100%, my responsibility,
huh, I don't know that just, you know, and so just being able to have those logical conversations and then come to like, a good area of agreement, without me like catering and placating and trying to, like walking on eggshells, because no matter how hard I work, I could never do enough to, to make up that perceived deficit. So it's like, that's not the answer. The answer is not me quitting my job and catering to him or, you know, whatever because I could, I could work myself to the bone and have a perfect Pinterest house and have kids that have matching clothes, but
they were what they wanted. But they dress themselves, and he doesn't always brush their hair. So that's okay. I mean, perfectionism is sometimes the enemy.
But it's is just, you know, accepting that Yeah, I mean, accepting imperfection to with like, you know,
it's a journey. It's progress over perfection. Yeah. Do you think you would have had the courage?
The confidence, the knowledge, the words, the level of like level headedness to be able to have those conversations and set those boundaries with your husband before the program?
I think, I mean, that was a conversation that was a long time coming, but, I wasn't even without raising awareness of it. I guess the answer is no. Because in my mind, for the longest time, I've always been trying to outwork it, you know, like, if I can just work a little bit harder, like maybe I can prep another meal, or maybe I can, I'll just try to give up another shift. And I'll try to do this so that I, you know, and, and without raising awareness to wait, that's the wrong solution here, like is me working harder to try to like, make it easier, it's like, I don't I think it gave me more of an awareness of just like how I was showing up. Like, I was not showing up in a way
that was confident and fully assured that I was making the right choice. You know, I was always trying to backpedal, and basically make it right or something that I wasn't around and I was living under this unhealthy mom guilt that was getting put on me by basically everybody in my life. And so it's allowed me to say even in with my in-laws of them, you know, little comments or whatever, are you sure you should work so much? or this or that? Like,
it's interesting you say that, you know, I can I can look at that non-reactively. Now, whereas before it used to bug the heck out of me to be like, Well, what like, are you calling me a bad mom? Or, you know, like, it's just kind of allowed me to, like, move past that?
absolutely. That is, that's a huge area of growth. I don't think a lot of people will I guess a lot of people don't even have the awareness. Right. This is even a problem. And I love what you said about working harder, because I think for a lot of us, like a lot of people listening, and most of us like, we just were hard workers, you know, we just are, and we have a really good heart, we have a good work ethic. And we love that about us. And we think that the solution is always to work harder, like, let me just, if I can just work a little harder, I'll solve this or I'll stop being overwhelmed, or I'll get over imposter syndrome. If I can just get one more credential one more degree, like, you know, like what you were mentioning. And the truth is that no amount of hard work, no amount of hard work, is, you know, is enough to get over your brain like programming, and its fear of all of the things that the world has created. Hard work is not going to get you there. But you know, what hard work will do it will get you more stress, it'll get you burnout, it will get you into fights and arguments and anxiety. heartbroke will definitely do that. But it won't solve the core problem. Yeah, it's kind of like taking an external fix to an internal problem.
The problem was internal, it was a mindset shift. You know, it's a mindset shift of will, she's a woman, she should be doing this, I shouldn't have to be doing 50% of the childcare because I don't enjoy it or whatever, you know, my, it's kinda like they say happiness is an inside job? Well, it is, you know, it kind of like, it starts with a mindset and that internal, you know, a framework that creates the external, you know, and so I think sometimes just getting crystal clear about that stuff, we put the cart before the horse, or we try to do it reverse, we try to do something external or situationally or behaviorally or something to try to fix this internal problem, which is sometimes an outdated belief or a lack of expectations, or, you know, the wrong expectations.
So, yeah, doing extra work is like a band-aid over a bullet hole. You can never do it. No.
Yeah, it's a great visual, I love it. Oh, girlfriend, I want to be super respectful of your time. But I could sit here and talk to you forever and ever and ever. Because I love you. And I think you're awesome. And I'm just so I guess I'm just inspired and emotional. And just like, so moved by your growth, you know, and everything that you've shared today. And
thank you so much. I'd love to hear if you have any other like words of wisdom, especially for anyone sort of on the fence or thinking about joining, what would you say to them?
Oh, I would say it's 100% worth it. I would say don't let cost be a deterrent, I would say that. It is you know, we pay for we pay for content, we pay for quality. We pay for all these things. And we put these like price tags in our mind, like how much we think things should cost but it's like, it's kind of like how can you put a price tag on your,
your overall emotional mental well-being and your happiness, if you're thinking that you don't deserve it, like think again, because you deserve to be the happiest, high-functioning version of yourself. Because probably the reason people are considering it in the first place is because there's been some degree of burnout in their life, there's been some point of pain that's driven them to find a solution, you know, kinda like me, you know, I'm kind of like, wow, I need help. I'm, I'm in a position where like, I need some training here. I need I need to take things to the next level. And at least recognizing, I don't know exactly what needs to be fixed, but it this type of program is exactly what what you need. And don't second guess your instinct, like my instinct. Like, as soon as I heard about it, I had to try to find your name in a secondary way. Like I knew, I'm like, That's my person, like, find or, you know,
it's it's worth it. And I don't think anybody would be disappointed. It's an extremely valuable program, and I think very fairly priced.
Thanks, Sanjay. That's so sweet of you to say I really appreciate it. Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for just being here and for sharing your experience and your gross and making me cry all at the same time. laugh
It's so wonderful to have you. Well, sweet friends. Thank you. Thank you for tuning in.
Remember, again, if I can leave you with anything, it's this, the changes you want to make in your life are possible for you right now. They're possible for you right now, no matter the circumstances that you're experiencing. So if you know you're ready to make sustained changes in your life, if you know you're ready to stop feeling stressed to stop feeling burned out, to stop feeling like you're not in control, if you know you're ready, all you need to do is commit. And it's okay if you're nervous, because sometimes we have to make changes, even if we're a little afraid. That's what courage is. Courage is making choices, taking action in the face of fear, and defining Oh, anything. I know that you because my listeners are awesome. I know that you have courage. So if you're ready to make changes, all you've got to do is commit even if you're a little nervous, and I have got you every step of the way. I will be there with you every step of the way. Again, check out the program. It's VanessaCalderonmd.com/join, you can find all the information for the journey. Alright, sweet friends, I'm sending you all so much love as Bella Proxima which means until next time, I will see you next week.
Hey, sweet friends, if you love what you're learning, then you've got to join us on the journey. It's my all-inclusive program and the best community out there giving you the education you never knew you needed to help you create a life you love. Join us at VanessaCalderonmd.com/join. I'll see you there.
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The Empowered Brain: About the Podcast
This podcast is for all women, those that identify as leaders and those that don't, yet. You'll learn how to let go of guilt and self-doubt so you can show up with confidence everywhere you go. No more questioning if your idea is good enough to share, if it's worth it to speak up, or if you're a good enough leader. All that self-critical B.S. stops now. Listen in as masterful educator and Harvard grad physician, Dr. Vanessa Calderón, teaches you how to let go of the things standing in the way of your success as a leader. Get ready, this podcast will accelerate your personal and professional growth.
Dr. Vanessa Calderón, MD, MPP has over 20 years of leadership experience. She is a Harvard grad, ER physician, Life and Leadership coach, and a mother of 2. She's a first generation Latina and is dedicated to uplifting her community. She's the founder of the Latina Leadership Accelerator, where she uses education and coaching to support the personal and professional development of women at all stages of their lives and careers.
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